I recently took part in an Advent book study of
Bishop Michael Curry’s Love Is the Way:
Holding on to Hope in Troubling Times. Partway through, we were given an
assignment: to consider the section on creating a Rule of Life, and think about
how we might apply it in our own lives. I ended up missing the subsequent discussion session,
but decided to write up my thoughts and use it as a blog post.
A Rule of Life is meant to be a set of personal
guidelines to help us do a better job of living in accordance with our own
highest values. Rather than try to compose a Rule of Life for my whole life,
which is a huge thing to think about and really requires a continuing effort, I
decided just to formulate a Rule of Life for Facebook posts. If I want to post
on Facebook in a way that accords with my values, what should I do or not do?
I’ve narrowed it down to three rules, more or
less: one “Do post,” one “Don’t post,” and one “Maybe post.”
Do: post funny and hopeful things from my life.
Silly cat photos, attempts at creative bread-making, a special star, colored
lights. These are the kinds of things I enjoy seeing from others, and these are
the posts that are more likely to be enjoyed by others and very unlikely to
upset them. (Okay, it might be annoying if I actually posted photos of every loaf of bread I ever baked, but
I’m assuming common sense here.)
Don’t: rant. Rants should be reserved for people
who know and understand me, delivered in person or by phone, and given plenty
of context. An out-of-context rant can make a person seem considerably more
ugly than they really are. People who know me can sympathize with me or tell me
if I am going off the deep end, and either way, won’t hold my rant against me.
(Again, I’m assuming common sense here. Choose an appropriate person to rant
to.)
There might be an exception for rants about things
that don’t involve other people. It might be okay to rant about mosquitoes in
summer, or about the way I utterly messed up a loaf of bread.
Maybe post: responses to other people’s posts and
comments on current events or world situations, if they can meet three
criteria.
First, is the post based on good information? This
is a lot like saying, “Is it true?” There have been too many times when I read
about something that happened and immediately reacted to it, only to later read
a different account and realize that I hadn’t fully understood the situation.
Sometimes I think I have informed myself well enough by looking at several
articles on-line, and then discover I haven’t actually looked at conflicting views
and so have still missed a lot. It isn’t possible to be fully informed—but it’s
possible at least to read more than one person’s take on a situation.
Second, is the post courteously worded? In Love Is the Way, Bishop Curry lists MLK,
Jr’s Ten Commandments of Nonviolence. Number six is “Observe with both friend
and foe the ordinary rules of courtesy.” When you post on Facebook, you are
addressing human beings, mostly friends, but possibly also foes. (Remember, you
can never be sure who will end up reading anything you put on-line.) Be
courteous. Don’t name-call.
As a practical matter, I find that posts that do a
lot of name-calling make me angry with the person who posted, even if I actually
agree with the general message of the post. The words come across as venomous
and spiteful. There is nothing to be gained in being deliberately offensive.
Third and most difficult to determine, is the post
well-intentioned? No matter how politely worded the post may be, is the point
of posting it to be helpful, or to be subtly snarky? To inform, or to show off
one’s superior knowledge? To encourage someone to think about something
differently, or to score a point?
Here I’ll cite Number Two of those ten
commandments: “Remember always that the nonviolent movement seeks justice and reconciliation—not
victory.” In posting, am I really trying to do something productive, or do I
just want to be right? Or more
exactly, am I seeking to make other people admit
I am right?
There’s a saying that I think is quite wise when
properly interpreted: “You can be right, or you can be married.” I interpret it
to mean that if you insist your partner acknowledge that you are right every
time you are right, you aren’t going to have much of a relationship. Especially
since sometimes you will actually be wrong.
The fact is, people hate being wrong. If you press them hard to admit that they are
wrong, they are likely to try to defend their view even if they are having
doubts about it. Worse, defending their view will make it even more difficult
for them to give it up. If instead you reduce the cost to them of admitting
that they are wrong (even just admitting it to themselves), that makes it easier for them to change their mind.
Going back to the original question, “Is the post
well-intentioned?”, I have to admit that sometimes the answer is going to be
“Yes…and also, no.” Sometimes I can’t help wanting to show off a little, or be
acknowledged right. But at least it’s worth thinking hard about when choosing my
words.
A Rule of Life (for Facebook posts or otherwise)
is supposed to help you express your highest values in the way you live your
life. I haven’t said what those values are, in my case, and it occurs to me
that I am doing things backwards—coming up with rules before coming up with the
values they are meant to promote. Oh well. Working backwards, my highest values, at least as far as
Facebook posts are concerned, are not clever wit (though that can be fun to
read) or the promotion of creative endeavors (though I know some very creative
people I would like to promote and know of
many more) or making myself look good (though admittedly I’m trying to post
from my best side). I guess that when it comes to Facebook and my Facebook
friends, I value people working together--hopefully to make the world a better
place for everyone.